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Sometimes it leaves no bruises, but it changes the way you live every day
See whether you recognise yourself in any of these situations. Tap or hover over each box.
Has he ever thrown things at you or broken something to frighten you? “Look what you made me do.” Any assault that causes pain or bodily harm: slapping, punching, pushing, shoving, kicking, biting, choking or the use of objects. It can escalate over time and is a serious violation of your physical integrity and safety.
Does he keep asking for the passwords to your phone or social media? “If you’ve got nothing to hide, give me the password.” The use of technology to control, intimidate or restrict your freedom: passwords, location tracking, online monitoring, constant messages. Even behind a screen, it has profound consequences.
Does he tell you that you can’t wear that dress? “You’re not going out in that. Who’s going to see you?” Insults, humiliation, threats, emotional blackmail, obsessive jealousy, constant criticism. Control restricts freedom and autonomy, and is often justified as “love” or “protection”.
Have you ever seen your children become frightened when he raises his voice? “They need to learn how life works.” When a child witnesses, directly or indirectly, episodes of violence in the family. Even if they are not the target, the consequences for their development can be profound.
Does he make you feel guilty when you go out with friends or family? “Your friends are all against me.” Gradually cutting off relationships with family, friends and colleagues, to make the person more dependent and deprive them of a support network.
Does he decide how your money is spent? “You don’t need to work, I’ll take care of it.” Control of money and resources: preventing you from working, withholding your wages, running up debts, denying access to savings. It makes it harder to escape violence.
Does he tell you you’re overreacting and imagining everything? “You’re exaggerating, as usual.” Manipulation that makes you doubt your own memory, perceptions and judgement, undermining your self-esteem and your ability to recognise the abuse.
Does he force you to have sex even when you don’t want to? “If you really loved me, you’d do it.” Any sexual act without free and informed consent, including within a relationship. Consent must be clear and freely given, and can be withdrawn at any time.
Have you received persistent comments about your appearance even after asking for them to stop? “Take it as a compliment.” Unwanted behaviour of a sexual nature that causes discomfort, humiliation or intimidation: comments, advances, jokes, unwanted physical contact, including online.
Does he threaten to take your children away or to hurt your pets? “If you leave me, I’ll take the kids away from you.” Intimidation used to exert control and instil fear, including towards family members, children or pets. Even when not carried out, they are a sign of serious risk.
Does he call or message you constantly to find out where you are? “If you don’t answer, I’ll keep calling. I know where you live.” Repeated behaviour that causes fear and forces you to change your habits: phone calls, messages, following you, lying in wait. It can continue after the relationship has ended.
Does he threaten to publish your private photos or conversations? “If you leave me, I’ll post everything.” Sharing intimate images or videos without consent, in order to blackmail, control or humiliate. It violates dignity, privacy and self-determination.
Do you feel forced to hide who you are or who you love? “If you leave me, I’ll tell your parents.” Violence can happen in any relationship. Prejudice, fear of being judged or of being outed can make it harder to ask for help.
Does someone deliberately use a name or pronoun that isn’t yours? “I will never use that name.” Specific forms of violence linked to gender identity: outing, deadnaming, exclusion, psychological or physical violence. Everyone has the right to be welcomed with respect for their identity.
Are you afraid of how they’ll react when you say “no”? “Come on, don’t be difficult.” Consent is the free and informed expression of one’s will. It must be clear and freely given, and it can be withdrawn. Respecting boundaries means recognising a person’s self-determination.
Violence in relationships is often not an isolated incident but follows a pattern that tends to repeat over time. Typically, a phase of rising tension, the violent episode and a phase of apparent calm alternate, during which the abuser may appear remorseful or promise to change. Understanding this mechanism can help you recognise violence and break the cycle.